Lonely But Never Alone

The truth is, I don't want to write anymore. But I pulled out the girls' journals anyway and wrote an entry today. Because, the thing is, it's not about what I want.

I write because they need to know how loved they were, how precious were the moments we shared, how deep my life was because of them. And I write here because we need prayers. We need them in a desperate sort of way.

I've been sleeping with Ava these days. The months leading up to her diagnosis, Mike and I were just beginning to experience the freedom of our two girls finally sleeping by themselves. We were never really into the sleep training thing because we were such failures at it. But, oh there was absolute joy in being able to put them to bed and walk away to spend a few hours of "me" time. It was glorious.

Now, all I want to do is sleep in her bed. I look forward to my nighttimes. I cuddle with them for what seems like hours before they fall asleep. I wouldn't feel comfortable sleeping anywhere else than next to them with their limbs totally and consistently invading my space. Life is funny that way.

Tonight, after putting Ava to bed, I went downstairs to watch t.v. When it was time for bed, I walked into her room to go to bed and found her sitting up just staring. It startled me and I asked if she needed to go to the bathroom. Yes, of course she did. As I lifted my sleepy girl off the toilet, she said, "Mama, could you hold me while we sleep?"

Ava is not the snuggly type. That's Gwen. Gwen has always preferred sleeping on top of either Mike or myself than on her own belly. Contrarily, Ava loves to give an initial hug and then roll as far away as she can get from me.

But tonight, she asked to be held so I held her tight, her head heavy on my arm. Breathing in her baby scented bald head, something inside me broke. My heart is already in a million pieces. What is there left to shatter? But the pieces keep chipping away and I wonder if we could ever be whole again.

My girl is tired from her disease, destroyed by the drugs, and just plain exhausted by it all. So are we all. We need rest. And prayers. Lots and lots of prayers. I know you are with us, praying for us from miles away. But, tonight, I feel so alone.

I guess that is the bag of emotions we carry with us. Though at times it is lonely, we know we are never alone...Thank you for that.

"Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, you are faithful. Every step we are breathing in your grace. Evermore, we'll be breathing out your praise." Matt Redman