After she's fallen asleep, I usually take her hand in mine as I try to drift into that same place. Her hand is so tiny, really only the size of a doll's. How could 6 years of life fly by so quickly? How could 6 years produce such an immense amount of love, happiness, laughter, life?
I'm flooded with the memories that won't stand back even though it's time for bed. A normal night is filled with tossing and turning and getting up a hundred times. I can't sleep. It's no surprise though because sleeping requires peace and I don't have much of that right now.
I feel bad admitting that my fear is overtaking me and stealing my peace away. I don't know how much longer I can sit and wait and wait and wait for an answer. God is silent and, yet, I feel he is near. It all boils down to this. Do I believe that he will work all this out for our good in the end?
I wonder how life can be good without her? How can he expect me to take another breath when hers is gone? These expectations feel monumental and brutal and unkind. If my faith is being tested than perhaps it will expose a very weak one. I feel like I'm hanging on by the tips of my fingers--not to the truth of Jesus as my savior, but to how I will brush myself off and move and carry out whatever he has for my life when all is stripped away.
I cry out for mercy every night but I know many godly parents have asked and begged and pleaded for their child's life only to have the unthinkable happen. So I'm in this place where my sorrow overcomes my sanity and I weep into the night.
The thing is, I know he is with me, here on this bed, crying with me and feeling this unspeakable pain. And, therefore, I hold tight to the only one that is worthy of worship even in times of wreckage.
______________________________________________
Please continue to pray with us that Ava is completely healed after this next round of chemo and that this cancer will never rear its despicable head again.
Please also pray that everyone would be filled with wisdom as we begin to make some difficult decisions regarding her treatment plan.
We want to say thank you, with our deepest gratitude, for your love and support during Ava's fight against Leukemia.
9 comments:
We are praying. No words can express our feeling for what you are all experiencing. We offer up our prayers of hope and peace on your behalf. Sending big hugs. Big big hugs. xoxoxoxoxo
Praying for ava and the family! <3
Stay strong Esther:)
Praying for Ava!!!!!
Esther, you don't know me personally but I pray and ache for you. My mom went through this with my brother. We were blessed to have him till the age of 27. Now I weep nightly as I watch God slowly take my mom from me. God made my mom so strong as she wept for her her child, and she believed yet questioned also. I pray for Him to make all of us strong, especially you, Mike, Eva and little Gwen. He is always there.
Actually I can see that the Lord has given you incredible strength. Praying for you all.
Esther, I know this is such a dark and painful journey right now and many of us could do nothing but stand around your family and join hands to cry and fight on Ava (your) behalf in His presence. Yet His word and love tells us He takes all your suffering and misery very seriously. I've personally been humbled and renewed by what He's doing in your life. Thanks for sharing from your heart. Love, Siew-Kim.
Words from human are so powerless while encountering this mom's broken heart...
Lord, please, help this mama, please, heal her baby.
Ava, Hope you are doing well now! Pray for you, brave girl!
Esther, I don't believe anybody can do better than you in the same situation. You are a very beautiful mom. Just for this reason, you are a mom, please take good care of youself.
Post a Comment