Saturday, May 14, 2016

There are nights I can't sleep for fear that every minute that passes is one minute closer to her final one. Oh God, hold our hearts in your hands. Words fail. Emotions fail. Sometimes it feels like my faith fails.

During my weakest moments, as I cry out into the seemingly dark space, it takes absolutely everything in me to clutch God's promises near. My fingers are grasping to hold on to truth, desperately trying not to fall into the blackest tunnel of grief. 

There are more lesions growing and they should not be there if the chemo is working. The doctor says we can give it a few more days but we should prepare to head to Seattle if we don't see those bumps disappearing soon. This trip to Seattle will mark our last attempt at putting her in remission.

I see her sitting on that hospital bed and I wonder how much she really knows. The professionals, they say she knows a lot more than she lets on. They say it might be time to tell her that she may come to die. They say it doesn't have to be today but there could be beauty in processing it together. 

Oh My God. My heart has never known such agony. Can she feel my internal distress? Is that why she stays close by, stroking my arm, kissing my cheeks? Does she know that something is not right in our strained whispers when we think she's gone to sleep? Are her ears sensitive to the conversations we have with her doctors behind closed and locked doors? 

I don't know how the world is still moving, day to night, back to day again. We are stuck in between living and dying. Do I urge her to go to school? Do I buy her summer clothes? Do we plan for one last trip? Do we take lots of videos just in case? How do you enjoy the time you have knowing it is not enough? How do you anticipate watching your child, the one you witnessed drawing her very first breath, breathe her very last?

I have lots of questions and a whole lot of blank space where the answers should be. This place we are in, it is lonely and heavy. I think of Gwen losing her very best friend and my heart flatlines. To have to explain that she will not know again the happiness she's had with her sister, that she can not play with her, that no amount of waiting or begging will bring her back, this is a second death to mourn.

But she is not yet gone. She is here. She is currently sleeping and breathing glorious breaths. And I feel guilty that I am sad when we still have minutes, days, weeks, and hopefully months. "But WE WANT MORE," I want to scream to the One who can save her. 

And yet I am humbled as I continue to hear a gentle and quiet voice urging me to wait. Watch and wait. Wait and see. The only one that is able to make beauty from ashes is asking me to lean in and hear the faint rumble of what is to come from all of this. There will be good that comes. There must be good that comes. So we place every last egg in the basket of hope because we are called to hope, faith, and love. We will hope. We will stand in faith. We will love, to the very last drop, with all that we have. 

We honor You, God, when all we want to do is vomit from the pain. We honor You, even when our voices have gone hoarse from the grief. We honor You, from the bottom of this pit. And when nothing makes sense anymore, help us honor you still.  

video


"Trust In You"
Lauren Daigle

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet 
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Trust in Him for He is good! Whatever the path...If you tell Ava, she may tell you what she would like to happen.

Anonymous said...

This was an interesting read. praying for your family.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/15/magazine/childhood-cancer-treatment.html?_r=0