Thursday, May 29, 2014

Lonely But Never Alone

The truth is, I don't want to write anymore. But I pulled out the girls' journals anyway and wrote an entry today. Because, the thing is, it's not about what I want.

I write because they need to know how loved they were, how precious were the moments we shared, how deep my life was because of them. And I write here because we need prayers. We need them in a desperate sort of way.

I've been sleeping with Ava these days. The months leading up to her diagnosis, Mike and I were just beginning to experience the freedom of our two girls finally sleeping by themselves. We were never really into the sleep training thing because we were such failures at it. But, oh there was absolute joy in being able to put them to bed and walk away to spend a few hours of "me" time. It was glorious.

Now, all I want to do is sleep in her bed. I look forward to my nighttimes. I cuddle with them for what seems like hours before they fall asleep. I wouldn't feel comfortable sleeping anywhere else than next to them with their limbs totally and consistently invading my space. Life is funny that way.

Tonight, after putting Ava to bed, I went downstairs to watch t.v. When it was time for bed, I walked into her room to go to bed and found her sitting up just staring. It startled me and I asked if she needed to go to the bathroom. Yes, of course she did. As I lifted my sleepy girl off the toilet, she said, "Mama, could you hold me while we sleep?"

Ava is not the snuggly type. That's Gwen. Gwen has always preferred sleeping on top of either Mike or myself than on her own belly. Contrarily, Ava loves to give an initial hug and then roll as far away as she can get from me.

But tonight, she asked to be held so I held her tight, her head heavy on my arm. Breathing in her baby scented bald head, something inside me broke. My heart is already in a million pieces. What is there left to shatter? But the pieces keep chipping away and I wonder if we could ever be whole again.

My girl is tired from her disease, destroyed by the drugs, and just plain exhausted by it all. So are we all. We need rest. And prayers. Lots and lots of prayers. I know you are with us, praying for us from miles away. But, tonight, I feel so alone.

I guess that is the bag of emotions we carry with us. Though at times it is lonely, we know we are never alone...Thank you for that.

"Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, you are faithful. Every step we are breathing in your grace. Evermore, we'll be breathing out your praise." Matt Redman


jaycee said...

Oh Esther... My heart aches with you. Praying everyday.

Christina Stowers said...

You are not alone! We miss you and are praying for your every single day!! Here's another Lord I Need You song that you might like:

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you and ava, day in and day out. I wish all of ava's pain would just dissipate so that it will become a far off memory. One day it will just become a memory. Until then, we will have faith in Gods perfect plan and never lose sight of his love that is showered upon us daily. I pray that on days where you feel lonely and defeated, that God will restore you with his blessings. I pray that Ava will only get better from this day forward and that she will never lose sight of her bright future. I wish I could concoct the perfect set of words to reach your heart and heal your soul, but only God can heal our brokenness...just like how He will heal your family when he breathes a fresh of breath air into your lives the day He heals Ava <3

Carla Mahdik said...

Esther- we miss you and your family! You are not alone. We will continue to keep you all in our prayers. Love you, mama!

Anonymous said...

Esther, thinking of you were holding Ava sitting in the darkness, I felt so guilty and painful for praying only one time for Ava a day. I'll keep sending my faithful prayer to our Lord. Please, please, Lord, heal this baby.

Anonymous said...

Whether you want to write or not, you are in our prayers!
You are not alone!
While you are watching Ava at night, He is watching both of you!
You may get tired, He will not!
......Psalm 121

Anonymous said...

You and ava are in my prayers day in and day out. Have faith in God's perfect plan. He will breathe a breath of fresh air into your life the day He heals Ava <3 I pray that God will lift your spirits on the days where you feel broken and lonely. I pray that Ava will have days where she forgets about this dark shadow that has made it's way into her life. And I pray that those dark shadows will soon vanish from her life so that she can continue on with her joyful and happy life.

Anonymous said...

God bless you and sweet Ava. We are praying for you.

Anonymous said...

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit " Psalm 34:17-18
Always glad to get your update. Best, Siew Kim.

Heather Rocen said...

Esther, you are not alone. There are so many people praying for you, Ava, Gwen and Mike. We pray for you every day, all day.

Irene Sun said...

Dear Esther,
Thank you for writing, even when you don't feet like it. Your words tells all of us the story of your love for your daughters. Your words give all of us a picture of how much the Lord loves us. You help me see my own world in a different light. I will pray tonight, for your family, and for your heart, all the one million pieces and more. May the Lord shine his light through every single piece. May the world be a brighter place and see more of our Lord's glory. May your daughters see all the more clearly the face of God through you and Mike.
Much love,
Irene (and Hans)