Saturday, May 17, 2014

We Need You

Wow, it seems it's been a while since I've updated. I just haven't felt like writing but as I told Ava for the umpteenth time today as she was getting her blood drawn, "In life there will be times we have to do things we don't want to do," I felt the need to put my words into practice. So here I am...with nothing really to say.

Life has been fairly "normal" but slightly prioritized if that means anything. The days are filled with eating meals, running errands, going to school, paying bills, going to clinic, taking baths, going to bed and so on. But as "normal" as the days begin to look, there is a sense of urgency where it seems like we can't wait another day to do what we've ever put off doing.

So, that's why we have a puppy now. (Insert emoticon of someone gone cuckoo).

Ava has wanted a dog for the longest time and Gwen can't get enough of them. That time back in August when I was helping the EMT's keep Ava from falling into unconsciousness, my one regret was that we had not given Ava a puppy. I remember that it was part of my pleading with her to regain her strength, "Ava, wake up! There are so many things we have yet to have a puppy..."

After all was well again, the puppy fell to the wayside because realistically I knew that I'd be the one taking care of that dog. Boy, was I right.

We are now the proud owner of a super duper cute Havanese puppy that goes by the name of Pippin (totally Ava inspired). He is a cuddly little bear and a quick learner. Being a perfectionist, I can't stand the thought of pee on my floors but it seems Pippin didn't get the memo. Potty training is HARD. Did I mention that I have (involuntarily) assumed most of the responsibility involved in the care of this puppy? ;)

He is a good addition to our home and hopefully will one day be the "therapy dog" that Ava needs. At this time, Ava is still not 100% herself and is continuing to feel sick. Her stomach virus lasted 10 days while ours only lasted a couple of days. This is to be expected because of her ANC level but it is still so hard to see our fun loving girl laid out on her bed with very little energy. She has been in and out of the ER the whole week: on Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday.

We ask for prayers that this next round of chemo kills all of the remaining cancer cells. We need our girl to fight hard and strong and beat this thing. Of course, there are no guarantees that she will but we long to increase our faith and to hope for the very best outcome in our situation.

Recently, I have been following the stories of other families going through pediatric cancer and it totally destroys me. I can't imagine losing my child. Ava's diagnosis doesn't ever get old. Contrarily, it rips a gaping hole in my heart...every single day.

I've seen many moms rise up in faith as they pass their children on toward Heaven and they do it with so much freaking beauty. I am not as strong as they are. God, himself, would need to stretch down and physically hand me a new heart or else I just may lay down and die.

On my Facebook page, I posted the story of a mom who lost her baby to cancer on Wednesday. A song that has been running through my head constantly these past few months is Matt Maher's, "Lord I Need You." After reading this mom's blog, my heart felt overwhelmed and I wanted to write down the chorus to this song. Of course, my brain chose that moment to forget the lyrics. Ava, hearing me trying to recall the words under my breath, jumped in and finished out the chorus for me. She must have been singing it in her own heart for many weeks too.

When I asked her to sing it for me so that I could record it, she forgot the words a few times. She asked me to remind her. I thought that was a good idea. When I forget his faithfulness, she'll remind me and when she forgets that she's not alone, I will remind her. And when we lose sight because we are shrouded by doubt and sadness, we humbly ask that you remind us of his unfailing love and our undeniable need for him.

Pippin is pretty smart. Since he pees all over the place, he knows he has to be extra cute to make up for it.

Ava has already taught Pippin how to "come" and "sit." Lots of bribery was involved.

Pippin has decided that he is "alpha" over Gwen. Gwen is not going to give up the title of "boss" that easily. This should be very interesting.

"Lord, I Need You" By: Matt Maher

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You're my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You


Heather Rocen said...

Pippin seems small enough to train to use a litter box!!!

We pray for you all everyday! Love you Esther.

Anonymous said...

Powerful song. Love it too & words too been etched in my heart.
"as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to pray for you (all), " I Sam 12:23
Love, Siew-Kim.

Annie Pauwaa said...

Hi Esther,
I meet you yesterday at the bday party. I am reading your blog for the first time and in awe of God's grace and love for your family. We have a havanese also and love him to pieces! He was tough to potty train but ultimately we taught him to ring a bell on the door to go outside. They are smart dogs and so loving. And so freaking cute!