Sunday, April 3, 2016


Yesterday was our last night together as a family in Seattle. Ava bravely made the trip back to Chicago with her daddy today. She wailed all throughout the airport. She said she couldn't do it without me.

"I'll be right behind you, Ava. I'll never leave you. I love you so much," I promised her as my heart weighed heavy at her distress.

There are days when I desperately want to lay down and give up. "I'm scared and tired. You're nowhere to be found and I need you more than ever. You promised to never leave or forsake me but why do I feel like you have?" I sometimes tell God.

I am Ava and He is me. Except His words aren't filled with fear that He won't be able to follow through. In fact, He paints the sky golden to show us that beauty can be found at the end of the day. He fills our bellies with warm food from countless friends we have yet to meet to remind us that we do not go alone. He replaces Ava's tears with giddy laughter when she finally arrived home to show us that there, too, will be an end to this chaotic chapter.

Tonight as I put only Jude and Gwen to bed, my heart gives way to a moment of panic. Is this what the future holds? Only two babies to love and care for when my body brought forth three...three souls.

I am hushed by His extravagant love. For who can deny that He has been good to us? So it will be in the days to come when we fumble around in the dark, we will see far into the horizon and watch as goodness soaks away the blackest of nights. And we will know that He is right behind us, never leaving us, always loving us.

Because a promise is a promise.

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