Sunday, July 6, 2014

Baby Mine

Back in April or May we were invited to a attend the play "101 Damations" presented through our local park district. One of my 4th grade students had a part in it and generously gave us tickets to come and watch. It was such a cute play and the girls and I were throughly enjoying our time. During the second or so act, there was a scene where Roger began to sing a song to the agitated puppies. It was titled "Baby Mine" and the lyrics went like this:

Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
Never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,
Pay no heed what they say.
Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
Never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew all about you,
They'd end up loving you too.
All those same people who scold you,
What they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your head down to your toes,
You're not much, goodness knows.
But, you're so precious to me,
Sweet as can be, baby of mine.

My eyes instantly welled up and I began to weep, right there in that dark auditorium because I could understand those words. I felt them with all of my heart. 

I will admit that this season of waiting has been difficult. It has been exhausting watching her body get pushed to the brink with chemicals and drugs that help but also hurt so badly too. There are no words to speak of the horrendous fear that overwhelms me at times when I think about life without her. I have a glimpse of how difficult it would be to take in a breath without her here because at nights it's so hard to sleep. The pressure that sits on top of my chest is tangible, as heavy as darkness itself. 

But I'm trying to fight it- to push back against hopelessness. The trick is to remember that all things, even the worst situations of life imaginable, have passed through the sovereign and loving hands of God. What more hope can I have but to know that my loving Heavenly Father sees me, knows me, sits by me, cries with me, and in the end, has promised that in all things he works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I don't write these things lightly. In fact, I have had to stop many times in writing these lines because the tears are blinding. But it is in my brokenness, my wailing, my mother's heart breaking that I am beginning to understand how near God is. 

I won't sugar coat. My heart is in two billion pieces, constantly being shattered even during the good times because that is when I realize how very very good this life is with Ava in it. This baby of mine is so precious to me. I can see how precious she has been to you too and I thank you from the very deepest part of my heart for your love and support during this time. Thank you for your constant prayers, the meals, the financial support, the emotional support, and the friendships sustained. Thank you for not leaving us alone during this time even if it seems we've pushed away. 

My parent's friends came out and supported a Bone Marrow Drive at a large Korean convention in Wheaton this past week. They helped to add 250 more Korean donors to the registry. We cannot express our thankfulness for the generosity they have shown us through their service. There are countless stories of all of you supporting us in such sacrificial ways...thank you for carrying us when we are too weak to do the walking ourselves. 

Finally, we ask for prayers, that God would sustain us during these next few weeks as we wait for the results of Ava's bone marrow biopsy after she completes this round of chemo. And we never give up praying that she would be in complete remission with ZERO detectable cancer cells and that God would show his grace to us in this way if it is his will.

"Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise." -Les Miserables


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

"The trick is to remember that all things, even the worst situations of life imaginable, have passed through the sovereign and loving hands of God."
this is so beautiful.

steph said...

Heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. Your faith and perspective is so enlightened. We will continue to pray for no cancer.

Andrew's Army said...

Esther, when I read your words, they seem eerily similar when I blogged during Andrew's fight. Thank you for your candor and transparency. Do what ever it takes to help you get through this hellacious process. You are loved by so many, but most importantly, as you know, our Father love you so much more. Hold on to Him, but when days get grim and lonely, it's okay to let Him "have it". And thank you for reminding me that everything has passed through the sovereign hands of God. Bless you, Ava, Mike and Gwen. xoxo Joe Park

Anonymous said...

"Weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5 . My prayer for you and all hurting hearts. Love, SiewKim.

Anonymous said...

I do not know you but came across your page because of my research into MLL because of a book I am writing. Our daughter was diagnosed at age 13 in 2007 with MLL. She had 650,000 white blood cells in her body at diagnosis. By God's grace, she responded to the treatment for ALL. She also had cranial radiation. She is 20 now -- leukemia free after 3 years of treatment. The marker was present at diagnosis and in several bone marrows after the diagnosis. But it has not been seen since. It is no accident that I happened upon your site. I can see and hear the prayer of the heart of a mother who loves her sweet little girl. God knows. He is good. And He is able. I will mark your page and will continue to check on you and your daughter. I will let my Meredith know too. May God continue to carry you through the days ahead.