Monday, March 31, 2014

Celebrating the Victories- Big and Small!

Hello there, faithful friends!

Today we found out that Ava's ANC has gone up and is now at 66! This is great news because it means that her body is starting to heal. The other great news is that her blasts are STILL at ZERO percent in her blood. While it's been like this for the past week, I have been having a hard time celebrating that number. It's like I can't accept this small victory because it's not the complete answer to my prayer. And I guess I just wasn't that thankful. 

I'm a "what if-er." What if she still has Leukemia cells in her marrow? What if her blasts come back? What if we get high on winning these small battles only to be slammed by bad news later on? I'm constantly waiting for the bottom to drop.

Meanwhile, my mom has been doing the most annoying thing lately. It's been grating on my nerves now for weeks on end. I should preface this by saying that I love my mom. She's been one of my greatest sources of strength during this whole time and throughout my life. So anyone reading this and translating it into Korean, please remember to include this part too. :) Because even though I'm 34, my Mama's silent treatments are still pretty effective. 

Since the first notice of Ava's diagnosis, my mom has been telling me to think positively. But she doesn't just say it; she kind of sings it to me using this weird Julia Child voice. "Po-see-teeb Thinking!"
I'm not the most patient person to begin with but this just really puts me over. the. edge. The first time she did it she must have known that it would irk me because she said it and then quickly ducked out of the hospital room as if she knew that I would chuck the icepack I was holding at her head. I was so mad. How could she tell me to think positively when I was just told that my daughter may not make it to her next birthday? I wanted to take her words, throw them on the ground, and pound all my anger out on them. My temper was at its worst...If there's anything you should know about me, it's this. I pretty much suck, all around. It's amazing that God would find anything salvageable in me at all. Praise God that he is gracious and full of mercy and able to find use for broken people.

I get it now. I understand the power of a positive mindset. It's not like God is holding out on healing Ava until I change my attitude, but there is something about hoping in him that chases away the fears and all the baggage so that life has moments of joy even in the midst of uncertainty and death. I'm practicing the mindset of setting my hopes high as I look toward God. I'm also challenged to get excited about all the victories, whether big or small, because these are the ways we can acknowledge the goodness of God and honor him even when things aren't going our way.

Ava is scheduled to be seen in clinic this Thursday to get a Complete Blood Count. If all of her numbers look good, she will get her bone marrow aspirate to see if there are any blasts present in her blood. Then we will proceed with the next round of chemotherapy. Please pray with us that there would be absolutely no trace of any cancer left in her marrow or her blood! Thank you for celebrating with us from near and far and thank you for your unwavering support of our family!

"Answer me, Oh Lord, for your lovingkindness is good; According to the greatness of Your compassion, turn to me." Psalm 69:16


Anonymous said...

I continue to pray for Ava and your family. Praying for more good news after Thursday's test and everyday until then and after.

Anonymous said...

So glad to hear from you!
No worries, you are His beloved sheep and our beloved sister. We want to listen and support you and yours on this bumpy road.
Also love how wonderfully you share about everything AND the blessings of hope (positive mindset ) grounded in His character and promises !

Ava and the Lee family(multi generations) are close to many hearts and prayers. May you be comforted by even this one thought.
Yes, we shall continue to ask for BIG things from Our Gracious and Perfect Father who does not judge us like humans do.

"... but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. " John 9:3

Love & many many more blessings,
Siew-Kim & Jeff

Anonymous said...

esther, your ability to share these deeply honest and vulnerable thoughts is so amazingly beautiful. cancer is ugly and real, and so are all the emotions that come along with facing that monster day after day, week after week. although you may personally feel so inadequate and weak, i know that there are so many of us out there that are so humbled by your faith and the inordinate amount of strength you possess. praying for more good news daily!! god bless!!!